All of us have experienced being hurt or disappointed in our interactions with others – we are conscious of this. But did you know there is a subconscious counterpart that originates from our interactions that can lead to the formation of deep wounds? We may not initially feel or know this hurt but it can have a wide reaching impact.
In this same vein, we all have buried relationship wounds. They can occur in childhood or adulthood. When unaddressed, they fester inside and impact our current happiness and health. These wounds also create patterns and habit ways of operating for us that we are likely unaware of, all while attracting similar experiences to us in our life.
Relationship wounds can occur from our parents, siblings, children, good friends, people we depend upon for services/support, as well as intimate love partners. Most often our adult relationship wounds have their foundation in a relationship wounding from early childhood.
Many of us have events from our past that left us wounded. Examples can be varied just as we are: childhood neglect & rejection, death of a parent or close family member, constant criticism, being ignored by our parents, and trauma such as sexual or emotional abuse all leave wounds.
When these events and traumas occur, three things can happen:
• Our view of the world shifts — it is no longer safe and predictable.
• We adjust our coping style. Unconsciously or semi-consciously we decide how we now need to be in order to avoid having these experiences from happening or affecting us again. We may become more accommodating and eager to please, or hypervigilant, anxious, and on-edge, or withdrawn, passive, and depressed. A change takes place in how we express ourselves.
• We avoid anything that may re-injure the painful wound. Like a physical wound, it’s always in our awareness. We are protective and sensitive to things that may re-injure it
Past wounds usually are foundational or formative for us. This means they usually have roots in childhood but can appear again in adult relationships. When we allow ourselves to be close to others and share intimate details of our lives, it often causes old wounds to rise to the surface. These are wounds we buried and never properly processed for ourselves, so they remain raw and easy to activate. Because the wound is unresolved within us, they also can attract the same wounding to you again and again until we fully work through it. It is important to heal the pain, but also undo their ability to attract wounding to us over and over again.
There is another component to buried wounds: The deep emotional pain we suppress. When we do not confront, process, and heal a core wound - its pain is given the ability to grow over time. This can lead to false beliefs about yourself. Thoughts like: ‘There is something wrong with me’ or ‘I am not loveable, or good enough’ are so detrimental to us.
When relationship wounds are buried inside us, we tend to be attracted to people who activate these wounds. For instance, if we have a core wound due to emotional neglect during childhood, we may choose a partner who is also emotionally distant. It’s what we are used to and what we know – so we repeat the wounds throughout life.
Let’s take steps to heal these wounds so we can have healthy, meaningful relationships. Begin by accepting yourself just as you are - including all of your strengths and weaknesses.
Does that sound daunting? Try these steps:
1. Practice self-compassion. Instead of being hard on yourself, accept that you are human and make mistakes like anyone else. Give yourself a hug.
2. Learn to be more mindful. While healing a wound, negative thoughts enter – practice letting it go instead of fixating on it.
3. Develop support. When you’re feeling inadequate, talk with someone you can trust. This usually gives you a different perspective and reminds you of your value.
Still feel overwhelmed? Keep reading below to contact me for a free 30 minute phone consultation where we can talk about your wounds and how they impact your relationship and/or self-esteem. You don’t have to walk this path alone.
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