March 2008

It's all about you - or is it?

“Ted just ignored me.” “Marsha keeps putting me down.” “Bob is jealous of my expertise.” “Shelly acts like I don’t exist.” Because of these situations, you may feel hurt and betrayed. You may feel like you don’t belong. You might feel bitter and angry. You think that when someone acts a certain way in your presence, that his behavior is all about you. You are feeling like she is intentionally trying to hurt or ignore you.

Has this happened to you? Of course it has, it has happened to all of us in our life. Well... Guess what? It’s not all about you. It’s about them!

Yes, that’s right. How the other person is in each moment is about them and what is going on for them. It could be about how they are choosing to perceive or think about a situation. Maybe they are depressed, anxious, preoccupied or stressed. It’s possible that you are triggering an unconscious buried pattern within them. Any of these could be what is driving their behavior. They probably are not even considering you. So don’t flatter yourself. It is not about you – it is all about them!

Once you understand that it is not all about you, it becomes easier to detach yourself, and not take things personally. It also becomes easier to allow others to be how they need to be, even if you don’t agree with their behavior. (Please note that allowing and detaching does not mean that you accept or agree with another’s behavior. It just simply means you allow them to be, as they need to be – and that is their choice.)

When you detach and allow, you avoid all kinds of negativity, like absorbing and holding on to the feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, and isolation – just to name a few. We know that holding onto negative feelings causes great damage, not only to your energy level and attitude, but also to your health and well-being.

So, the next time someone is behaving in a rude, angry, or curt manner try blessing them, regardless of where they are right now. Then detach yourself from the moment and rise above it, allowing the other person to be how they need to be.

Stop yourself if you start to fill yourself with hurt or anger based emotions. Say to yourself, “I am not going there.” Then, take a slow deliberate deep breath. See yourself detaching from the situation – maybe even floating on a cloud above it looking down. Say to yourself, “I allow ‘X’ to be how he/she needs to be. This is not about me. It is his/her issue.” Then just do not respond to their behavior. Just allow.

When you detach, it energetically opens up a space for something new to happen. It also starts to change you from the inside, so you attract less of these types of situations. Know that once you acknowledge that their behavior is not attributed to you – that it is their issue – each time it becomes easier to accomplish.

A client shared that when she is around a certain person who has made her feel fearful and anxious, she uses the tool of detachment to be unchanged by the situation. She begins by acknowledging the behavior is his issue, not hers. Then she sees this person as an upset child wanting attention. She is even able to chuckle about it inside of herself. Yet, before she would spin herself up with fear and dread.

Think of all the times that you have spun yourself up, stressed yourself out, or held on to terrible emotions unnecessarily – sometimes for days or weeks. If only you had known that it is not all about you, you could have saved yourself a lot of anxiety, stress, and a whole lot of damage to your body.

So why not start practicing detachment and allowing. When you do, your stress level will decrease, and you will be lighter and brighter - I promise! God bless you.

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